Let me give you some background;
If you have been following my blog recently you will know that I am married to Clare and we have been blessed with 3 very happy and very healthy children.
We have always considered ourselves very lucky in the respect that there are so many people who try desperately to have children and are unsuccessful or for other reasons, they simply cannot conceive.
But, even that, we have had the sadness that can come with any pregnancy - Miscarriage.
A horrible thing to happen any family at any stage whether that child is your first or your fifth. Between Kyran and Elijah however we did have a miscarriage whilst Clare was only 7 weeks.
But this wasn't the only miscarriage that we suffered, we also miscarried between Elijah and Sofia when Clare was only 10 weeks. So we have had the misfortune to go through the ordeal twice.
It brings a sudden rush of emotions to both people involved, sadness, loss of hope, questioning and tears, many tears. Why did it happen? What if we cant have another baby? there are so many things that spring to mind.
We never held back that we were having a baby, even when we found out early, we wanted to really embrace all aspects of the pregnancy, so you can imagine how hard it was to tell family and friends that you have lost a baby so early in its little life.
There is always lots of support for a mother when something like this happens, and rightly so, because it is the mother that has carried the child and then, may have to pass a foetus in the unfortunate circumstance and maybe more, but somewhere in the swell of emotions, and the midst of the commotion, there is a father wondering what he does next?
This is what i would like to talk about, as a dad who has been through this twice. Im the type of person that cannot cry at a funeral no matter who it is or how sad the circumstance, i simply cant let show that emotion in public.
Whilst Clare & I were coping with both losses, we did talk to each other about what had happened and we made sure to support each other, but i couldn't let her see the slightly weaker side to me, i wanted to remain strong for her and our family.
At times of quiet or when i was alone, i had a little weep at the thought of what could have been, even when i told one of my closest friends, i remember starting to well up as we spoke on the phone, and it hit me - i dont have to hide this!
It didnt seem like a death that i was more accustomed to, it was different. I couldnt process what had happened but slowly i began to understand what was happening.
After both of these miscarriages we have come out the other side with 2 wonderful "Rainbow Babies" whom we love and cherish dearly, and if it had not been for those unfortunate events we wouldnt have Elijah and Sofia here with us today.
Nearly everyday, somewhere in the quiet moments of life i reflect on what could have been, i will always remember that for a very brief period of our lives that we had two other children that we still count as part of our family, who will remain in our thoughts and hearts the rest of our lives.
This may not be in great depth, but this is how i have felt, i still struggle sometimes with the emotions and processing it but i come to terms with it but by writing this portion of my blog i can feel at peace somewhat.
I encourage other dads out there that if you are, have been or ever have to go through this difficult period in your life, please dont suffer it alone, speak to your partner, cry, hug, talk to someone, because that is your child, regardless of it being 7,10 or even 30 weeks!